Thoughts & Feelings











{June 4, 2014}   Vampire Girl?!

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I guess by now I have had all the steps of the experience..He theoritically got Married now!..& I was invited…& I did Attend.
(Crazy..Huh ?)

I guess I needed something solid to convince me its over..& he is not coming back to me now.

Althoughhh, someone told me , he might get back to me after sometime of being married , just of out boredom from marriage, But I dont think so…or At least I dont think I will permit him to do so..(At least I will not be part of it)

SO, sitting at the last row, in the Hall (it was by chance not by choice)..I was watching how he looked like, he & his girl, tottaly convinved that they fit each other (Unfortunately!)
Even in their families,,,Thinking: How did I ever loved this person ?!! Or Even liked him, He is SooOo different than me. Or Did I ever love Him in the first place ?! or was He just too Clever to grab Me & grab My attention so that i reactt to what he does & never think if I really love him or not ?!!
The thing is : Any other NORMAL girl, should be dying to see her Ex getting married,in front of her !! Should at least be Sad or Crying & Never see that happening..But I wasntt!
I was feeling a bit weird & Curious.
Curious to see him , her ,his family & her family. I dont know why!
I dont know why I was that Calm, that curious. Am I a Normal Girl in thr first Place :D ?! Or I just dont care coz I knew thats what should have happened in the first place.

Conclusion:Hmmmm I guess I am Not A Normal Girl!.. May Be A Vampire Girl :D!



{May 22, 2014}   Different..But why ?!!!

Everytime am around ppl from work now, I feel as if i dont belong!
Although the reason for that is not obvious at all!
Most of the ppl are from the same educational background, same culture, same age,almost same everything.
And i do deal with them all with no problems.But when it come to socializing outside work ,there is always a gap that i cant  cross. There is a Fake face that i cant put.
Although sometimes i try harder to mingle between them & be part of them, there is always something missing,Even from there side, not mine only.
I wish I realize the different & missing part oneday!
My only problem with that is that i always keep thinking & give A Shit about that, when they dont, & Never will!
To the extent that i think if i ever left work there, will they ever remember me or Even give A shit ?!!

I doubt!



{May 9, 2014}   Desire!!

So everytime I See him or
see him talking to someone else other than me , I feel horrible!
Although I alwayss want to talk to him & Know all his News,Sometimes the fact that we dont talk is more relaxing.
I dont know If I want to end it or not, But sooner or later it will end because he is getting married in less than a month!!

I dont know when will god relief me from this hell & send me someone special to erase that person from my life, But seems he is enjoying giving me hard time & doesnt want thaf!

Even My best friend ever , whom I shared a large part of my life & important events with, that i know i will never share them again with anybody, Good & Bad, whom i know almost everything about & He almost know everything about me, Is getting married in 4 months!! & i am sure i will still be single by then!
Till when will this boring, torturing,loneliness, need last ?! I have no Clue!!
& when will my Craving/Need of A man in my life be fulfilled…No Clue!!



{April 3, 2014}   The Mistress!

I dont know if what i feel is a good feeling or a bad feeling.
This is What I feel:
She always has no rights on the guy what so ever.
She is always for pleasure only.
A man is the one who always use a mistress because he is bored from his wife,& he use her for his pleasure only most of the time.
she Almost has no rights on him coz he always have to comply to the wife whenever she calls because she is always number 1& the mistress is always number 2,
& in secret only,
& she is always a stage in a guy’s life & then he dumps her.
I am not saying i dont enjoy it sometimes, because i alwayss do.
But thinking about it sometimes feels a bit humiliating.
Feeling always Number 2 & Never number 1, everything in secret even the simplest talks, sometimes i even feel i am afraid to talk to him in public.Dont know why, But May be something shows on my face !
On the contrary, He likes the word Mistress. He tells me it suits Me! Coz it gives him Hot Mental Images about me.
He also says ” Mistress are the dominant figure of using guys to be a tool for their pleasure and emotional happineas and the guys who are dominated by mistresses should obey their mistress blindly “
of course am not convinced with what he said , & i told him so coz thats not the image of a mistress in our worlds.



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After just few days of starting to flirt/ talk again & have our newest fantasy that we didnt have since before he get engaged(around  9 months),The News that he is getting married came to me as a SLAPP On the Face!!

He was just flirting & chatting with me the day before it till 3:30 am!!!
& Simplyy the next day i caught him by surprise , talking to a friend of Mine that he is getting married by end of May!
Which is 2 Months From Now!!!!!

How Does He Do thatt ?!!!He is SoOooo Selfish!
He wants to take everything at the same time!
He wants to flirt with the Sexy Girl(who he have known since 3 years Now,who knows almost everything about him,who he knows wont say shit to anybody coz she is involved too& May be under his spell of Love).He wants to Get turned on from the dirty talks, & At the same time, have the successer girl,who he says he knew her & her family since a long time ago,get engaged ,get married & of course have sex! & All this in only few Months !!
He has been engaged now only 6 months ago, in which his bride has been travelling for almost 4 & half months & only came back twice!
(Yess, Even this I know!..I litteraly almost know everything about him…Even More than what He thinks i know!!)
Sometimes i feel i wish him real happiness in his life,Even if i am not part of it(& thats Because i once loved him). Anothers, i just wish that things dont work out for his marriage, Just to know that he did a bad/hasty choice & was selfish in it, Thinking about himself only,All The Timee!



{February 24, 2014}   A New Friend..

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I never had any pets before..neither a Cat ,dog, turtle nor even a bird!
My mum has always refused it to get any pets at home because she was afraid they would dirty the house.
But Today, & After 27 Years..I got Sunny..A cute Golden Cocker Spanial dog :)!
I got him as My Birthday gift since my birthday is in one day.
He is 50 Days old..He is SoooO Naughty & So Smart .I still have No ideaa how I am gonna train Him since i have  No experience what so ever..But I am excited Anyways :D
It has been a very long time since I had anything New in My life, Thats why I am so Excited about Sunny=).He is My Attention getter for Now.
I am waiting for him to change My life =).



{January 13, 2014}   A New Year…

Things End & Another starts ..Ppl get engaged & Married & Have babies, & I am still the same! Single & Not Very Proud of it!
Even the Crush of My life is Now engaged since 4 Months now& I guess he will be married very soon.
I am not even doing any progress in my career life!..Just Going On!
& My health is the only thing that is changing…To the Worse..THANK GOD!!
I  Have Never been a complaining person in My life, but I guess i am turning to one Now, Because i cant handle it anymore!
At least i have to get things out a little bit, better than a exploding!
I Miss talking to him very Much, Or I guess I miss having someone in My life in general.
I am reading the old dairies i wrote about him & I miss every detail of it!I miss how he made me feel, the excitment of it, the fantasies! Creativity!
Incredible feelings that i dont think i will feel same again.
I even wishhh to share the thoughts with him again! Or even make him remember how it used to be between us..But He is Not Mine anymore…Ahhh!

Ok,What About having A New thing in My life ?! Is that very Hard to Ask?!!!
Do I deserve bad things only?!  But Not good ones!
I am Not that of a Bad Person After all :(!!



{September 28, 2013}   A Friend’s Memory

IT was that Moment when You feel that Nothing is working right in your life.

Your health is not very good, your work is boring, you dont have a boyfriend, you dont have a lot of friends left, everybody is busy with his life , & Everything seems just a routine , Even your best friend is more bored/Negative than you are , that she stopped being able to cheer you up!

That’s When I knew My Friend was Suddenly sick, In Hospital & Diagnosed with Cancer! ALL at once, JUST LIKE THAT!
I Started to look at things a little bit differently at that moment…In A Way like: So it Could Have Been worse!OR it COuld have been ME!

 



{July 11, 2013}   Such A loserr!

I wannaa Have a Babyyy :( !!
I just kneww That my  2nd latest Married lifetime friend (From School) is pregnanttttt !
I am veryyyy Happy for herrrrrr…Reallyyyy.

But I feeel Sooo lonelyyyyy :S
She is already Married & Pregnant now & Iam Not in A Relationship ..I am not even liking anybodyy !! &  It is not happeningg Anytime soonnn for me :S!!
And My other friend, The first married one in our school group is now pregnant in her Second babyy….Thatss really crazyyyy!

THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO OLDDD & SOOOO LOSERR !
MY Goddd:’(!!

Even “F.R.I.E.N.D.S” Make me feel lonelyy & Wanna Have a Babyy when i see Rachell  having her baby Emmaaa ..They make me Cryyy :(!

I am such A loserrr!! I Dont know how to let ppl in my lifee or ofen up for them.
I guess thats why i never had Real Relationships in my lifee .
& The only one i did have , Was for the best guy that I could never Have!…How Luckyyy is That ?!!!!!



{July 8, 2013}   Experience of My Life :)

I dont think W ‘ll ever find that again ,Neither Me Nor him !
The Long Interesting talks, the Hot Creative fantasies , the Vampire interests/Talks, kissing in the Traflgar Square At Mid night, london experience  & My First Kiss At Metra , the other experience At home,the touching,Seeing” IT” & Feeling IT, the flirting,THAT Special KISS Downthere!!
Everything I experienced with him I dont Ever think i am Gonna Experience Again, EVER!

I Sometimes Really Wonder how can this experience be Categorized, But I always Fail to answer.
Is it Love ?! Is it A Crush ?! Is it A Lust ?!
Is it just 2 ppl feeling close to each other ?! But since they both know they cant end up together , So they are trying to grab every chance of it.
Did he ever Feel anything for me ?!
DID I Feel it either ?!!
It has been 2 years & 2 Months Now of ON & Off Feelings & Actionss…I dont know if I ever want it to stop or Continue.. Reallyy I dont know!
Sometimes I cant stop thinking about him, (like Now), Although I know he is talking to another new Girl Now all the time, In which he didnt tell me about but I just happened to know .(Not sure if thats my Bad luck or Good Luck which made me know about it).
All i know is that I Dont Regret it & I dont hate HIM.
Even After doing some bad stuff to me , Lying & Hurting Me when i know the truth , I still cant forget All the beautiful things he said to me & All the best feelings Ever he Made me Feel…I guess He Gave Me the EXperience of My Life.



{June 16, 2013}   Vegas…With Ur Parentss!!!

As An Advicee From Me, DONT Never Ever GO TO VEGAS WITH UR PARENTS!
Specially if Ur old Enough to do whatever U want Or For Example Ur a Girl! It Reallyyyy  Does Feel Bad !
You wanna at least watch everything, Have a Drink , See Everything..& Take picss Everywhere!
Thats where they dont want to stop…..or they already got tired &Want to go back home..Orc For example ur Mum want to sleep early to wake up early the second day to Go to church for Examplee!!…YES ..IN VEGASS!!
Thats My Family!
I am dreaming everyday with the day I gonna have my own partner & My own homeee!..I am really dying for ittt!

pleasssee God!I Had enoughhh… I am dying for itt!



{June 15, 2013}   I Dont Regret it.

It felt nice AfterAlll…
Being lifted on the arms…liike not before!
Being Kissedd EVERYWHERE !
Cuddled , Hugged , licked & Squeezed!
At first it all felt weireddd…but after sometime ..I felt I wanted to experience every bit of it !
The touching , the licking , Kissing…I was a bit unflexible…but that was because I was stressed ..A Lott!



{May 26, 2013}   CHALLENGE…With Success!

Do I really wanna write about that ??! Do I wanna document it ?

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I dont know !Part of me Say I want to , & Another is saying Dont!

Another part of my Dreams/Fantasies is coming trueee…Finally!

Apparently it is A bit late , & Not Exactly the same way I dreamed of , But At leasttt it is better

than nothing.

I have been Dreaming of breaking the rules ! Breaking the cage & Going Wild…For So Longg!

& Only Yesterday I did it !!

I neverrrrr thought I would be able to do it…NEVER!

Never Had the guts, the time , the place or the right person to even think of doing it.

Untill yesterday! I Challenged mySelf & my Fear…& I DID IT!

Dont know if after a while will I feel the same excitment or not.

Today I was feeling mixed feelings, a small guilt feeling,Butterflies feeling ,feeling of weirdness,  feeling sexy , feeling confident!…..Too Much huhh!

But all these types of feelings make me feel Stronger…Stronger than I think!

But is that a Real Feeling?!! Or it will change to a feeling of total weakness after a while?!

I dont know why did God put me in that experience for 2 years now, with all these challenges ?!

All I asked for in my life was someone to love me & That I can love him back!

I didn’t ask for all of that! I didnt ask for having all this challenges when I am the weakest

person in the world…It was expected that I am gonna Surrender one day.

AND The Challenge is still On ..>Who knows how it Gonna End!

P.S: Dear God, If you still need me & Consider me yours, Save Me from this & Send me What I want…But Don’t Punish Me More, Coz I might Rebel More…Thanks!!



{March 26, 2013}   Again…Only Him!

He taught me to set my mind free..Say it out loud & Dont fear it ..Just Reveal it!! Imagine it..Live in it & Dont be afraid to Share it :)
Even if I am not doing it..Just Dreamm of itt! His imagination is Alwayss As Creative & full as Everytime!….
He surprises me everytime by the mood he makes me “LIVE IN” by just texting about it (Not even Talking about it!).
Never Wished for someone to be Mine ..as I wish for Himm!
May be because I never met someone who was courageous enough to reveal himself & What he feels towards me THAT WAY!.. & As am Always hating this part in men around me(being afraid to reveal his emotions & Thoughts ), He was able to Grab my attention By All Meanssss !
I wonder how could I not be attached to that Amazing,Sexy,
Creative,Flirty,Handsome,Succesful Smart Kind of Person!!



{March 4, 2013}   Is Love Here yet ?!!!!

May be he was right ! May be He did mean all what he said to me before !tumblr_lkv05aV5B11qjlmz8o1_500_large

But isnt it a bit too late to realize this ?!! Did I ruin it ? OR did he ?!

-SO He meant every time he said I miss u , I miss ur Smile, & Every time he said I want u, I wanna do this & I wanna do that with u , He was real ?!

-Does he really felt everything with me ?

-Was I always Unique & Special like he said ?

-Does he really meant that I left Immortal marks on him that & That the comparison will be hard after me ?

-He Said: “I can’t date till I found someone that could compete and I Doubt that there is someone who can”…You r so good to be true!

-Ur the Best Kisser/Biter Ever :D!

-”Real is What I feel”  He said when I told him we were never Real..we were a Fantasy.

-”Your case was different than hers, yours involved feelings”

-”& Always Closer despite the Circumstances”..

There were also witnesses that said they saw that on his face, on the way he looked at me.

He was really happy on my Birthday & It showed on him…

He said: You let my Fangs itches with your lovely colors & Smile :) (Vampire Mood)

I know ur Brave and Clever, And Hot as fire… Wild as the Pacific Ocean..

Hot as an Apple Pie over cooked………And sweet as honey….Sour as Sweet viniger…And Lovely As angles  ;)!!

He Always Amazes me with what he says, do or even Imagine!…
He is So Sweet that I dont think of any other boy I ever  wanted when I think of him.

IS IT REAL LOVE ?!!!!

& That is ladies & Gentlmen,  my best /closest experience to True loveeee…I Wish It would have lasted Longer & Never Ended :))!



{February 26, 2013}   My Birthday..2013

It was an amazing day, I enjoyed it sooOoo much. The combination of people  was Strange a little bit, But it went so Fineee & Smooth.
He was Acting Super Niceee! …On the Contrary of everytime!
What is Strange is that, I was acting super nice toooo …infront of  his Girlfriend.
Another thing that was Strange, Was My Brother’s Comments on Him !!!
Despite all the people who were there, My Bro. Commented on the way he Looked at me & Acted to Me!
He kept asking my Best Friend, Who is that ?!! Do u know him ?! Dont u think his acting Strange ?! Why does he look to my sister that way ?!!?..Etc.
At first I felt He only did that because of How me, N & E acted,:We kept talking secretly almost all the time.
For the Fitst time now, & After my best friend came to tell me about all the doubts My bro Had & All the questions  he came to ask her , I felt a little bit afraid!
Is it that obvious ?!! Is it that Obvious at work too ?!!!
How Come my bro notices all this only from the first time?



I need a break from Everythinggg!

From my work, my family , my Friends, my Facebook, my Twitter ..even my closest friends…EVERYONE & EVERYTHING!

It is starting to be too much on me ..I am literally Tired of always being the Strong & Sober person!!
WHat will I benefit from that ?!!!!…NOTHING!

I dont think “Strong people”who keep silent without complaining  Are Winners now…They are just LOSERS!

When ppl  never understands their silence ,  they will be losers!
When ppl  never appreciates their silence,they are losers again!



{February 12, 2013}   Weirdd!!!

Sooo, It is getting More weird everyday!
Yesterday we went on a Nile trip, Me , Him & E …& Some other Friends ..But we three were sitting toghether…beside each other…We even had a photo together ..Us Three!

It became a bit weirder when he talked to me but never to her…He even sat beside me & Left the seat beside her Empty..
I almost expected that to happen but of course she didnt! She was going to die out of curiosity!
Strangee huhhh ?!!
What i mean by strange here is that He used to do exactlyyy the same with me When I used to like him…He used to ignore me , Not talk to me & Go sit beside anybody else !
“DejaVuuu ! “
It feels weired when u keep on watching What has happened to u before, Happening From the samee Person, but with someone else, that happens to be “Ur Friend”!

Sometimes I wonder why am I not able to hate him ?!!
May be cause He reminds me with my self in some situations ??!
In Many cases, U dont Realize the wrong things u do often, Except if someone u know, Does it with u !
Do you think that is the reason ?!?

I Dont Knowwwwww!



{February 7, 2013}   Fucked Up time in My Life!

Dont know why everything is not working as they are supposed to..
I got a rejection for Visa, I lost money in flight ticket plus my mobile screen than got shattered & Needed to be changed!
Even the car Loan is being delayed everytime & Doesnt want to get finished !
The car prices are being overpriced every day…& The car i want doesnt seem will be available!!!

My body is driving me crazy from all the scars & Black spots that dont seem to be going away ever…! I wanna burn it down & Get a new Body !!

The guy I like as well doesnt wanna stop flirting with me & At the same time with my friend !!! But of course he is not shwoing it …
My friend is the one who is telling me all the stories coz She Trusts Me !! & Of Course she knows nothing about me & About the crush I have on the same person !!!
Plussss the fact that no one is interested in me except this guy …Who is Flirting , Likes me & Flirts with my Friend at the same time …I know we will never be togther & he is not mine..but I like him & I WANT HIM !!
He is the only One I want Actually.! All the other guys in my Life are So Lame, Boring,UnInteresting , Nagging or IN A RELATIONSHIP !!

So, Why-OH-Why God is Everything Fucked up like that All At Once ?!!!



{January 23, 2013}   Stronger than “You” Think!

 

I just want to document that Today only I discovered ” I am Stronger than I/You think “:)

I am watching ,seeing  & Supporting “E” a friend of mine, being Happy & in love with the person who once told me I Love you & like you, Flirted with me (& didn’t Stop Actually) , & Kissed me.

I am watching her getting Goose-bumps while telling me the stories, & Watching him Faking it & acting infront of me as if nothinggg is Happeing & as if He Still likes me & Cares for me.

My Best Friend when “E” called her to tell her the Story about that boy, My Best Friend was IN SHOCK & Almost in Terror!

She didn’t know what to do when she found out it is the Same Boy :)!
At first she didn’t know if I knew or not, But then “E ” told her.

She phoned me in Horror to ask if I am Ok or not to know about that, I told her I knew from day 1 :).

She was shocked to find me hanging on , keeping calm & not in Tears. She also told me I would have never bared to be put in that situation, & That I am a Hero to accept that.
She kept saying how “ASSHOLE” he was & That we are afraid about “E” to be falling for the same UNWORTHY person Because She is really kind & doesn’t accept that.

That’sssssssssss were I find out “I am Strong”…………………………..Actually “I AM STRONGER THAN “I/YOU” THINK!

Thank God I am really knowing this now, In order not to trust this person more ,& not to offer more compromises for someone who doesn’t deserve.

I hope “E” would not get hurt as well & Hope I could do something to help her.

To be Continued…



et cetera
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