Vampire GirL

{August 3, 2017}   The Ugly Truth!

I discovered today that my MOM is a Reallyyyy difficult person to deal with!!

I lot of ppl told me this before, But i didnt believe them!

I Always believed that No they are just being Not Fair with Her! 

But Nooo! It appeared it is Trueee! & I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE!


{July 16, 2017}   Poor Little child!

It’s 4:30 am & I still cant sleep.

I cant stop thinking on what mary said today. She said things today that i never told her about!

Poor Little child who wasnt allowed to do anything wrong..!

..Who wasn’t allowed to express her feelings out loud!

..who didnt feel the warmth of a touch/hug.. or tenderness of mother!

..who was smart enough to protect herself from hurt on her own!

..who patted on her own shoulder when no body did!

..who blamed herself when she didn’t find someone to blame!

..who was never told I love u for who u r!

 ..who was restricted to do anything new ..even in her Dreams!

 .. who never finished anything because she was never allowed to complain or complete a conversation!

..who had a hole inside her that nothing/no-one was ever able to fill!

..who built a lot of walls to protect herself untill she was burried under these walls!

..who always tried to fit in the frame..but never did ..untill she was deformed!

..who surrendered what she needs!

..who convinced herself that she was fine that way..when she wasn’t!


{June 17, 2017}   Love yourself…

I think what I really need right now is to Love Myself.

If I love Myself ,I will be confident again. 

If I love Myself, I will accept how i look whatever it was.

If I love Myself, I will stand up for Myself.

If I love Myself, I will give myself what i need.

If I love Myself, I will make myself more happy.

If I love Myself, I wont accept any compromises in my rights.

If I love Myself, I wont look back on my mistakes.

If I love Myself, I will learn new stuff to always make it better.

If I love Myself, I will never stop Smiling.

If I love Myself, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!

{June 17, 2017}   Losing Time..Tik Tok!

I feel am losing a lot of time in vain!

I do nothing useful or enjoyable these days!

Since i am still free & neither engaged nor have a home or kids, I should do more than that! 

My life shouldn’t stop at this point waiting for things to change! It won’t be changed except by Me!!

I am not sure if being single @30 is an advantage or a disadvantage, but what i am sure of is that i am gonna regret not using this empty / quiet time to the Max. in my life .



Staying in place all this time is so bad .

It’s Like dying Slowly!

I dont have to wait until i am really dying , to start Living!

I need to wake up Before that!

{September 18, 2016}   Nothing!

Its been a very long time since i last wrote here. I dony consider this a good thing coz this means i started to have nothing to feel..writing Means I either feel good or i feel bad..But not writing at all means i feel Nothing!!

&I hate that!!

I hate feeling Nothing!

May be some ppl consider feeling nothing is better than feeling bad, Bit i dont think So.

Feeling Nothing is like part of u is dead!

Not Alive..Not there anymore!

{October 26, 2015}   Telepathy ..or what ?!

So it has been about 10 months now since he left , & since; was my last post.

In these 10 months ، Nothing changed!!

Litteraly Nothing!

I still think about him every now & then.
We talk sometimes. Not as frequent or as sincere as we used to, But it still happens.

I didnt see him except 3 times only in 10 months, each time for less than 10 mins! Although he promised he will be there & he will see me whenever possible, But it seems that it was just words.

Yes he travels most of the time,But he also goes to his office which is 2 streets away from me!
Everytime we talk, he mentions that he wishes to see me, But again..words are just easy.

Exactly 1 Day After 1 wrote these words , he showed up lol !

Coincedence ?!
Or he just want to make my life harder ?!! Don’t knoww

I heard the guy sitting behind me in the office, call his name on the phone & then, he showed up to say hii to the crowd in the office!

This day was one of the worst days in my life.I looked horribleee & didnt sleep except for couple of hours.
It was the day my mum sent sunny ..My Baby 😦 ..away coz he has been misbehaving for some time.

Back to his visit, we didnt talk alone at all! he just said hii & kept talking with the crowd till the end..& then everybody left for his home.
I wished that day that after we left the crowd, he would call me & tell me dont leave, I miss u & wanna talk to u alone…. But it didnt happen!
He just left!

The Next Day, He came Againnn! To see the ppl he didnt see the day before.
He kept talking to ppl for around an hour (except to me of course !) & then I told him come sit with me for a while coz i am bored..he said okk..finallyy!
We stood infront of the building talking for about 15 mins or even less!.In those 15 mins his B*tch called him twice on the phone asking him to come home coz they have an appointment.
On the second time he didn’t even pick up the phone, he left right away..Saying
I am sorry i have to be home!

So After 10 months of not seeing him, i get 10 mins of “TALKING” that i even didnt finish  What I was saying & then he leaves for his B* tch!!!?!!


{September 4, 2015}   My Bucket List

-TRAVEL to as much places as possible
– Paris
– Italy
– Amestrdam
– Switzerland
– Maldives
– Bora Bora
– Have A Romantic Photo in Paris in front of Tour Eiffel!!

– Try Magic Mushroms!!

– Travel Alone.


– Live Alone for sometime

– Learn SALSA
– Learn A musical Instrument
– Make An MBA

– Have A Tattoo!
– Work Something interesting than my Job!
– Have my own side Bussiness
– Take a Cooking/Baking class
– Take a Drawing Class
– Draw More!!

– OWN A sporty Car
– Drive a Caborleh car

– Try New Things
– Make New Adventures

– Dye My Hair RED
– keep being fit and slim
– Play More Sports ( Try new ones)

{January 30, 2015}   One Week

Think about Him …Dont Think about him…Think about him…Dont Think about Him!!!!!

I can’t decide whether I want to remember him or not.I cant tell whether I want him to ask about me or not.

Do I miss him?!! I suree doo…But do I want to keep feeling that way !! Hanged & not in control of anything..defiently not!
I miss having cigarette breaks with him…I miss sitting on his disk!
I miss the nonsense talk …as well as the sexy talk!

No one ever had inspired me & made me talk like he did!

No one had ever made me imagine &dream & talk out my imagination like he did…& I dont think anybody will.
I unfortunately miss that badlyy in my lifee!
My life is empty & with no imagination or creativity or inspiration without him.
He was the interesting part in it!

{January 7, 2015}   He is Leaving…

Not only the feeling is fading away, But he is also leavingg!!!
My Love is leaving work to a New place. He told me last week.He called me to tell me his leaving & it is only almost 2 weeks left.(by Today it is only 9 days left)
I didnt know what to say at first..I didnt know if I was happy or sad.But I did cry for a while.
The reason i say i might be happy is that i asked god earlier to end my misery one way or another coz I didnt know how to end it..& Here it is..He is ending it.

The confused feeling of having feelings for someone , & He having feelings for u , but at the same time he can’t give u all what u want or  what u need because he has another life, with another committments..The feeling of being in love & not being in love..the feeling of being in a relationship (or dreaming u are) but at the same time it is just in secret & u cant talk about it or declare it to anyone, neither to ur family, friends or even friends at work who are all around u , Stalking us both with their eyes upon every move.
That weird confused fucked up feeling is a hell of a feeling..I cant understand how did i live with it for the past 3 & half years.

And Now I cant stop thinking about how i will come to work knowing he is not there!
Who will i talk to or sit on his desk, who will i take a break with …He was my closest person at work:(..& My love…& My best Experience Ever…I dont think I will Ever replace him..No Matter what.

{December 26, 2014}   Fading Away…

I Dont know if my feelings for him started to fade away on their own, or it is just the fact that i didnt see him in a week.

He is travelling with his wife for a week now on a diving trip..I thought of him more than once, But I know I cant contact him.
I guess I miss him, But not the same way i used to before. May be because i understand better now or may be because i dont want to ruin his life also..He is still someone i care for ..A Lot! (Unfortunately)
Also the book is one of the reasons am thinking about him..the amazing sex in the book make me think of him all the time..I dont imagine myself having it with anyone but him..& him only.
The unfair thing is he might be having sex right now with his wife & am sitting here..Reading..Burning with passion..untouched.. & intact .. thinking about him !!

{October 3, 2014}   Strange Week!

Twenty eight years of Nothing At All  & then 2 guys in the same Week ..I am F*cked!!!

I am not sure if i should be happy or not..isnt this what I always wanted?!!..
isnt this Risk what i dreamt for all my life ?!!!
Isnt this what i saw in Movies (only it looked much more interesting) & wished to try at least once ?!!


Whyy the hell is it the 2 guys in the same week!
Yes they both dont care, since one is already married & am considered his Fun part Mistress!.. & The other one said it before, that he only want to have fun & don’t want any commitments, But should that still feel right for me?!!..…
I don’t Think Sooo! I feel like A ….!

I enjoyed the first one much more..since it was with my crush that i had for the past 3 years(on & off)..& he is now married.I never thought we ‘ll ever do that again after he got married..But it seems he still misses me “sometimes”!
It was the most extraordinary thing in my life!..We were doing it On The Go!.. In a Moving Car!..A real moving car without standing still for 1 sec!…& He was driving!…
It was Crazy & Fun & Extraordinary! I dont think I will ever have someone that crazy again in my life..that is ready to do an amazing crazy thing like that!.I was Really Happy After that.. He Always know how to make me happy unfortunately…even for” a Moment”.

The second one was the opposite!
He was very ordinary..He’s a guy I had a crush on once too..but then it just went away,.
He was here on A vacation & he invited me at his place..
I didnt enjoy it thattt was just the experience of trying someone different than the first one ( because he was litterally my first in everything!)
I wanted to see if that was good already or if there is better!
But Definitely my first crush was different ! I guess because it contained more feelings..than the second .

I dont want to mention the unprofessional mistake the second one did..But anyways, I wishhh it doesn’t have any unprofessional consequences as well!

I feel really weired writing these words..I feel thats not me…Thats Another Girl I dont know who was tottally the opposite of that only 3 years Ago!
I neverrr thought I will ever have the courage to write these words!But Anyways, PEOPLE CHANGE, Isnt It ?!!

{August 19, 2014}   Three in 1 !

So there are these 3 guys in my life Nowadays: Mr.M ,Mr.P & Mr. k .

Mr. M is a Really Handsome & Cute Guy,   but he is a little shy. He always Needs a Pushhh in order to talkk.
He  is the most recent guy i know in my life, i have known him for less than A year now.
I dont know everything about him yet, So we still know new things about each other every now & then.He lives Far but comes on vacations a lot.  We dont talk much in person. Only texting Mainly.

Mr.P is A Handsome guy too but he is the opposite of cute :D!
He is Naughty with a bit Slutty attitude.
He doesnt care much except about having fun.I have known him since 3 years.He was Engaged, But now he is not.He lives veryy Far & doesn’t come a lot on vacations. But we have been talking a lot lately with some flirty & dirty talks.

Last But not least, Mr.K. I have known him since about 8 years! But through these 8 years our talks have been very limited!
We didnt start talking closely except few weeks ago!.He suddenly & without any notifications , He started flirting & dirty talking as well!
Although he wasnt any kind of a flirty guy through the 8 years i have known him through.

So Why isnt there 1Normal interesting guy in my life?!!! i have No Cluee!

I Dont need any special things or any special qualifications..just a good looking, caring & loving guy who understands me! Is that too Much to ask ?!!!
After All these years i didnt meet 1 person that reaally loved/cared about me!!
After all the compliments & flirting from different kind of guys, Still..Nothing!!
Nothing More than “Flirting”!!

I seriouslyy Dont need all these guyss.I need only 1 !! Someone who compensate me for all this..Someone who make me stop thinking about all this!!! Pleasee godd thats my only wishh since  am 16 !!! Is it that Muchh to ask?
Dont I deserve it all this time ?!!!
I started to lose Hope hereeeee!Help !!

It’s been around 12 years of Waiting!!
Will it be that Worth it after all ?!!
I started to lose Motive about everything!
I know that shouldn’t be the case but …Mehh !!


{June 4, 2014}   Vampire Girl?!


I guess by now I have had all the steps of the experience..He theoretically got Married now!..& I was invited…& I did Attend.
(Crazy..Huh ?)

I guess I needed something solid to convince me its over..& he is not coming back to me now.

Althoughhh, someone told me , he might get back to me after sometime of being married , just out of boredom from marriage, But I don’t think so…or At least I don’t think I will permit him to do so..(At least I will not be part of it)

SO, sitting at the last row, in the Hall (it was by chance not by choice)..I was watching how he looked like, he & his girl, totally convinced that they fit each other (Unfortunately!)
Even in their families,,,Thinking: How did I ever loved this person ?!! Or Even liked him, He is SooOo different than me. Or Did I ever love Him in the first place ?! or was He just too Clever to grab Me & grab My attention so that i react to what he does & never think if I really love him or not ?!!
The thing is : Any other NORMAL girl, should be dying to see her Ex getting married,in front of her !! Should at least be Sad or Crying & Never see that happening..But I wasn’t!
I was feeling a bit weird & Curious.
Curious to see him , her ,his family & her family. I don’t know why!
I don’t know why I was that Calm, that curious. Am I a Normal Girl in the first Place 😀 ?! Or I just don’t care coz I knew that’s what should have happened in the first place.

Conclusion: Hmmmm I guess I am Not A Normal Girl!.. May Be A Vampire Girl :D!

{May 22, 2014}   Different..But why ?!!!

Everytime am around ppl from work now, I feel as if i dont belong!
Although the reason for that is not obvious at all!
Most of the ppl are from the same educational background, same culture, same age,almost same everything.
And i do deal with them all with no problems.But when it come to socializing outside work ,there is always a gap that i cant  cross. There is a Fake face that i cant put.
Although sometimes i try harder to mingle between them & be part of them, there is always something missing,Even from there side, not mine only.
I wish I realize the different & missing part oneday!
My only problem with that is that i always keep thinking & give A Shit about that, when they dont, & Never will!
To the extent that i think if i ever left work there, will they ever remember me or Even give A shit ?!!

I doubt!

{May 9, 2014}   Desire!!

So everytime I See him or
see him talking to someone else other than me , I feel horrible!
Although I alwayss want to talk to him & Know all his News,Sometimes the fact that we dont talk is more relaxing.
I dont know If I want to end it or not, But sooner or later it will end because he is getting married in less than a month!!

I dont know when will god relief me from this hell & send me someone special to erase that person from my life, But seems he is enjoying giving me hard time & doesnt want thaf!

Even My best friend ever , whom I shared a large part of my life & important events with, that i know i will never share them again with anybody, Good & Bad, whom i know almost everything about & He almost know everything about me, Is getting married in 4 months!! & i am sure i will still be single by then!
Till when will this boring, torturing,loneliness, need last ?! I have no Clue!!
& when will my Craving/Need of A man in my life be fulfilled…No Clue!!

{April 3, 2014}   The Mistress!

I dont know if what i feel is a good feeling or a bad feeling.
This is What I feel:
She always has no rights on the guy what so ever.
She is always for pleasure only.
A man is the one who always use a mistress because he is bored from his wife,& he use her for his pleasure only most of the time.
she Almost has no rights on him coz he always have to comply to the wife whenever she calls because she is always number 1& the mistress is always number 2,
& in secret only,
& she is always a stage in a guy’s life & then he dumps her.
I am not saying i dont enjoy it sometimes, because i alwayss do.
But thinking about it sometimes feels a bit humiliating.
Feeling always Number 2 & Never number 1, everything in secret even the simplest talks, sometimes i even feel i am afraid to talk to him in public.Dont know why, But May be something shows on my face !
On the contrary, He likes the word Mistress. He tells me it suits Me! Coz it gives him Hot Mental Images about me.
He also says ” Mistress are the dominant figure of using guys to be a tool for their pleasure and emotional happineas and the guys who are dominated by mistresses should obey their mistress blindly ”
of course am not convinced with what he said , & i told him so coz thats not the image of a mistress in our worlds.


After just few days of starting to flirt/ talk again & have our newest fantasy that we didnt have since before he get engaged(around  9 months),The News that he is getting married came to me as a SLAPP On the Face!!

He was just flirting & chatting with me the day before it till 3:30 am!!!
& Simplyy the next day i caught him by surprise , talking to a friend of Mine that he is getting married by end of May!
Which is 2 Months From Now!!!!!

How Does He Do thatt ?!!!He is SoOooo Selfish!
He wants to take everything at the same time!
He wants to flirt with the Sexy Girl(who he have known since 3 years Now,who knows almost everything about him,who he knows wont say shit to anybody coz she is involved too& May be under his spell of Love).He wants to Get turned on from the dirty talks, & At the same time, have the successer girl,who he says he knew her & her family since a long time ago,get engaged ,get married & of course have sex! & All this in only few Months !!
He has been engaged now only 6 months ago, in which his bride has been travelling for almost 4 & half months & only came back twice!
(Yess, Even this I know!..I litteraly almost know everything about him…Even More than what He thinks i know!!)
Sometimes i feel i wish him real happiness in his life,Even if i am not part of it(& thats Because i once loved him). Anothers, i just wish that things dont work out for his marriage, Just to know that he did a bad/hasty choice & was selfish in it, Thinking about himself only,All The Timee!

{February 24, 2014}   A New Friend..


I never had any pets before..neither a Cat ,dog, turtle nor even a bird!
My mum has always refused it to get any pets at home because she was afraid they would dirty the house.
But Today, & After 27 Years..I got Sunny..A cute Golden Cocker Spanial dog :)!
I got him as My Birthday gift since my birthday is in one day.
He is 50 Days old..He is SoooO Naughty & So Smart .I still have No ideaa how I am gonna train Him since i have  No experience what so ever..But I am excited Anyways 😀
It has been a very long time since I had anything New in My life, Thats why I am so Excited about Sunny=).He is My Attention getter for Now.
I am waiting for him to change My life =).

{January 13, 2014}   A New Year…

Things End & Another starts ..Ppl get engaged & Married & Have babies, & I am still the same! Single & Not Very Proud of it!
Even the Crush of My life is Now engaged since 4 Months now& I guess he will be married very soon.
I am not even doing any progress in my career life!..Just Going On!
& My health is the only thing that is changing…To the Worse..THANK GOD!!
I  Have Never been a complaining person in My life, but I guess i am turning to one Now, Because i cant handle it anymore!
At least i have to get things out a little bit, better than a exploding!
I Miss talking to him very Much, Or I guess I miss having someone in My life in general.
I am reading the old dairies i wrote about him & I miss every detail of it!I miss how he made me feel, the excitment of it, the fantasies! Creativity!
Incredible feelings that i dont think i will feel same again.
I even wishhh to share the thoughts with him again! Or even make him remember how it used to be between us..But He is Not Mine anymore…Ahhh!

Ok,What About having A New thing in My life ?! Is that very Hard to Ask?!!!
Do I deserve bad things only?!  But Not good ones!
I am Not that of a Bad Person After all :(!!

{September 28, 2013}   A Friend’s Memory

IT was that Moment when You feel that Nothing is working right in your life.

Your health is not very good, your work is boring, you dont have a boyfriend, you dont have a lot of friends left, everybody is busy with his life , & Everything seems just a routine , Even your best friend is more bored/Negative than you are , that she stopped being able to cheer you up!

That’s When I knew My Friend was Suddenly sick, In Hospital & Diagnosed with Cancer! ALL at once, JUST LIKE THAT!
I Started to look at things a little bit differently at that moment…In A Way like: So it Could Have Been worse!OR it COuld have been ME!


et cetera