Thoughts & Feelings

{January 7, 2015}   He is Leaving…

Not only the feeling is fading away, But he is also leavingg!!!
My Love is leaving work to a New place. He told me last week.He called me to tell me his leaving & it is only almost 2 weeks left.(by Today it is only 9 days left)
I didnt know what to say at first..I didnt know if I was happy or sad.But I did cry for a while.
The reason i say i might be happy is that i asked god earlier to end my misery one way or another coz I didnt know how to end it..& Here it is..He is ending it.

The confused feeling of having feelings for someone , & He having feelings for u , but at the same time he can’t give u all what u want or  what u need because he has another life, with another committments..The feeling of being in love & not being in love..the feeling of being in a relationship (or dreaming u are) but at the same time it is just in secret & u cant talk about it or declare it to anyone, neither to ur family, friends or even friends at work who are all around u , Stalking us both with their eyes upon every move.
That weird confused fucked up feeling is a hell of a feeling..I cant understand how did i live with it for the past 3 & half years.

And Now I cant stop thinking about how i will come to work knowing he is not there!
Who will i talk to or sit on his desk, who will i take a break with …He was my closest person at work:(..& My love…& My best Experience Ever…I dont think I will Ever replace him..No Matter what.

{December 26, 2014}   Fading Away…

I Dont know if my feelings for him started to fade away on their own, or it is just the fact that i didnt see him in a week.

He is travelling with his wife for a week now on a diving trip..I thought of him more than once, But I know I cant contact him.
I guess I miss him, But not the same way i used to before. May be because i understand better now or may be because i dont want to ruin his life also..He is still someone i care for ..A Lot! (Unfortunately)
Also the book is one of the reasons am thinking about him..the amazing sex in the book make me think of him all the time..I dont imagine myself having it with anyone but him..& him only.
The unfair thing is he might be having sex right now with his wife & am sitting here..Reading..Burning with passion..untouched.. & intact .. thinking about him !!

{October 3, 2014}   Strange Week!

Twenty eight years of Nothing At All  & then 2 guys in the same Week ..I am F*cked!!!

I am not sure if i should be happy or not..isnt this what I always wanted?!!..
isnt this Risk what i dreamt for all my life ?!!!
Isnt this what i saw in Movies (only it looked much more interesting) & wished to try at least once ?!!


Whyy the hell is it the 2 guys in the same week!
Yes they both dont care, since one is already married & am considered his Fun part Mistress!.. & The other one said it before, that he only want to have fun & don’t want any commitments, But should that still feel right for me?!!..…
I don’t Think Sooo! I feel like A ….!

I enjoyed the first one much more..since it was with my crush that i had for the past 3 years(on & off)..& he is now married.I never thought we ‘ll ever do that again after he got married..But it seems he still misses me “sometimes”!
It was the most extraordinary thing in my life!..We were doing it On The Go!.. In a Moving Car!..A real moving car without standing still for 1 sec!…& He was driving!…
It was Crazy & Fun & Extraordinary! I dont think I will ever have someone that crazy again in my life..that is ready to do an amazing crazy thing like that!.I was Really Happy After that.. He Always know how to make me happy unfortunately…even for” a Moment”.

The second one was the opposite!
He was very ordinary..He’s a guy I had a crush on once too..but then it just went away,.
He was here on A vacation & he invited me at his place..
I didnt enjoy it thattt was just the experience of trying someone different than the first one ( because he was litterally my first in everything!)
I wanted to see if that was good already or if there is better!
But Definitely my first crush was different ! I guess because it contained more feelings..than the second .

I dont want to mention the unprofessional mistake the second one did..But anyways, I wishhh it doesn’t have any unprofessional consequences as well!

I feel really weired writing these words..I feel thats not me…Thats Another Girl I dont know who was tottally the opposite of that only 3 years Ago!
I neverrr thought I will ever have the courage to write these words!But Anyways, PEOPLE CHANGE, Isnt It ?!!

{August 19, 2014}   Three in 1 !

So there are these 3 guys in my life Nowadays: Mr.M ,Mr.P & Mr. k .

Mr. M is a Really Handsome & Cute Guy,   but he is a little shy. He always Needs a Pushhh in order to talkk.
He  is the most recent guy i know in my life, i have known him for less than A year now.
I dont know everything about him yet, So we still know new things about each other every now & then.He lives Far but comes on vacations a lot.  We dont talk much in person. Only texting Mainly.

Mr.P is A Handsome guy too but he is the opposite of cute :D!
He is Naughty with a bit Slutty attitude.
He doesnt care much except about having fun.I have known him since 3 years.He was Engaged, But now he is not.He lives veryy Far & doesn’t come a lot on vacations. But we have been talking a lot lately with some flirty & dirty talks.

Last But not least, Mr.K. I have known him since about 8 years! But through these 8 years our talks have been very limited!
We didnt start talking closely except few weeks ago!.He suddenly & without any notifications , He started flirting & dirty talking as well!
Although he wasnt any kind of a flirty guy through the 8 years i have known him through.

So Why isnt there 1Normal interesting guy in my life?!!! i have No Cluee!

I Dont need any special things or any special qualifications..just a good looking, caring & loving guy who understands me! Is that too Much to ask ?!!!
After All these years i didnt meet 1 person that reaally loved/cared about me!!
After all the compliments & flirting from different kind of guys, Still..Nothing!!
Nothing More than “Flirting”!!

I seriouslyy Dont need all these guyss.I need only 1 !! Someone who compensate me for all this..Someone who make me stop thinking about all this!!! Pleasee godd thats my only wishh since  am 16 !!! Is it that Muchh to ask?
Dont I deserve it all this time ?!!!
I started to lose Hope hereeeee!Help !!

It’s been around 12 years of Waiting!!
Will it be that Worth it after all ?!!
I started to lose Motive about everything!
I know that shouldn’t be the case but …Mehh !!


{June 4, 2014}   Vampire Girl?!


I guess by now I have had all the steps of the experience..He theoritically got Married now!..& I was invited…& I did Attend.
(Crazy..Huh ?)

I guess I needed something solid to convince me its over..& he is not coming back to me now.

Althoughhh, someone told me , he might get back to me after sometime of being married , just of out boredom from marriage, But I dont think so…or At least I dont think I will permit him to do so..(At least I will not be part of it)

SO, sitting at the last row, in the Hall (it was by chance not by choice)..I was watching how he looked like, he & his girl, tottaly convinved that they fit each other (Unfortunately!)
Even in their families,,,Thinking: How did I ever loved this person ?!! Or Even liked him, He is SooOo different than me. Or Did I ever love Him in the first place ?! or was He just too Clever to grab Me & grab My attention so that i reactt to what he does & never think if I really love him or not ?!!
The thing is : Any other NORMAL girl, should be dying to see her Ex getting married,in front of her !! Should at least be Sad or Crying & Never see that happening..But I wasntt!
I was feeling a bit weird & Curious.
Curious to see him , her ,his family & her family. I dont know why!
I dont know why I was that Calm, that curious. Am I a Normal Girl in thr first Place :D ?! Or I just dont care coz I knew thats what should have happened in the first place.

Conclusion:Hmmmm I guess I am Not A Normal Girl!.. May Be A Vampire Girl :D!

{May 22, 2014}   Different..But why ?!!!

Everytime am around ppl from work now, I feel as if i dont belong!
Although the reason for that is not obvious at all!
Most of the ppl are from the same educational background, same culture, same age,almost same everything.
And i do deal with them all with no problems.But when it come to socializing outside work ,there is always a gap that i cant  cross. There is a Fake face that i cant put.
Although sometimes i try harder to mingle between them & be part of them, there is always something missing,Even from there side, not mine only.
I wish I realize the different & missing part oneday!
My only problem with that is that i always keep thinking & give A Shit about that, when they dont, & Never will!
To the extent that i think if i ever left work there, will they ever remember me or Even give A shit ?!!

I doubt!

{May 9, 2014}   Desire!!

So everytime I See him or
see him talking to someone else other than me , I feel horrible!
Although I alwayss want to talk to him & Know all his News,Sometimes the fact that we dont talk is more relaxing.
I dont know If I want to end it or not, But sooner or later it will end because he is getting married in less than a month!!

I dont know when will god relief me from this hell & send me someone special to erase that person from my life, But seems he is enjoying giving me hard time & doesnt want thaf!

Even My best friend ever , whom I shared a large part of my life & important events with, that i know i will never share them again with anybody, Good & Bad, whom i know almost everything about & He almost know everything about me, Is getting married in 4 months!! & i am sure i will still be single by then!
Till when will this boring, torturing,loneliness, need last ?! I have no Clue!!
& when will my Craving/Need of A man in my life be fulfilled…No Clue!!

{April 3, 2014}   The Mistress!

I dont know if what i feel is a good feeling or a bad feeling.
This is What I feel:
She always has no rights on the guy what so ever.
She is always for pleasure only.
A man is the one who always use a mistress because he is bored from his wife,& he use her for his pleasure only most of the time.
she Almost has no rights on him coz he always have to comply to the wife whenever she calls because she is always number 1& the mistress is always number 2,
& in secret only,
& she is always a stage in a guy’s life & then he dumps her.
I am not saying i dont enjoy it sometimes, because i alwayss do.
But thinking about it sometimes feels a bit humiliating.
Feeling always Number 2 & Never number 1, everything in secret even the simplest talks, sometimes i even feel i am afraid to talk to him in public.Dont know why, But May be something shows on my face !
On the contrary, He likes the word Mistress. He tells me it suits Me! Coz it gives him Hot Mental Images about me.
He also says ” Mistress are the dominant figure of using guys to be a tool for their pleasure and emotional happineas and the guys who are dominated by mistresses should obey their mistress blindly ”
of course am not convinced with what he said , & i told him so coz thats not the image of a mistress in our worlds.


After just few days of starting to flirt/ talk again & have our newest fantasy that we didnt have since before he get engaged(around  9 months),The News that he is getting married came to me as a SLAPP On the Face!!

He was just flirting & chatting with me the day before it till 3:30 am!!!
& Simplyy the next day i caught him by surprise , talking to a friend of Mine that he is getting married by end of May!
Which is 2 Months From Now!!!!!

How Does He Do thatt ?!!!He is SoOooo Selfish!
He wants to take everything at the same time!
He wants to flirt with the Sexy Girl(who he have known since 3 years Now,who knows almost everything about him,who he knows wont say shit to anybody coz she is involved too& May be under his spell of Love).He wants to Get turned on from the dirty talks, & At the same time, have the successer girl,who he says he knew her & her family since a long time ago,get engaged ,get married & of course have sex! & All this in only few Months !!
He has been engaged now only 6 months ago, in which his bride has been travelling for almost 4 & half months & only came back twice!
(Yess, Even this I know!..I litteraly almost know everything about him…Even More than what He thinks i know!!)
Sometimes i feel i wish him real happiness in his life,Even if i am not part of it(& thats Because i once loved him). Anothers, i just wish that things dont work out for his marriage, Just to know that he did a bad/hasty choice & was selfish in it, Thinking about himself only,All The Timee!

{February 24, 2014}   A New Friend..


I never had any pets before..neither a Cat ,dog, turtle nor even a bird!
My mum has always refused it to get any pets at home because she was afraid they would dirty the house.
But Today, & After 27 Years..I got Sunny..A cute Golden Cocker Spanial dog :)!
I got him as My Birthday gift since my birthday is in one day.
He is 50 Days old..He is SoooO Naughty & So Smart .I still have No ideaa how I am gonna train Him since i have  No experience what so ever..But I am excited Anyways :D
It has been a very long time since I had anything New in My life, Thats why I am so Excited about Sunny=).He is My Attention getter for Now.
I am waiting for him to change My life =).

{January 13, 2014}   A New Year…

Things End & Another starts ..Ppl get engaged & Married & Have babies, & I am still the same! Single & Not Very Proud of it!
Even the Crush of My life is Now engaged since 4 Months now& I guess he will be married very soon.
I am not even doing any progress in my career life!..Just Going On!
& My health is the only thing that is changing…To the Worse..THANK GOD!!
I  Have Never been a complaining person in My life, but I guess i am turning to one Now, Because i cant handle it anymore!
At least i have to get things out a little bit, better than a exploding!
I Miss talking to him very Much, Or I guess I miss having someone in My life in general.
I am reading the old dairies i wrote about him & I miss every detail of it!I miss how he made me feel, the excitment of it, the fantasies! Creativity!
Incredible feelings that i dont think i will feel same again.
I even wishhh to share the thoughts with him again! Or even make him remember how it used to be between us..But He is Not Mine anymore…Ahhh!

Ok,What About having A New thing in My life ?! Is that very Hard to Ask?!!!
Do I deserve bad things only?!  But Not good ones!
I am Not that of a Bad Person After all :(!!

{September 28, 2013}   A Friend’s Memory

IT was that Moment when You feel that Nothing is working right in your life.

Your health is not very good, your work is boring, you dont have a boyfriend, you dont have a lot of friends left, everybody is busy with his life , & Everything seems just a routine , Even your best friend is more bored/Negative than you are , that she stopped being able to cheer you up!

That’s When I knew My Friend was Suddenly sick, In Hospital & Diagnosed with Cancer! ALL at once, JUST LIKE THAT!
I Started to look at things a little bit differently at that moment…In A Way like: So it Could Have Been worse!OR it COuld have been ME!


{July 11, 2013}   Such A loserr!

I wannaa Have a Babyyy :( !!
I just kneww That my  2nd latest Married lifetime friend (From School) is pregnanttttt !
I am veryyyy Happy for herrrrrr…Reallyyyy.

But I feeel Sooo lonelyyyyy :S
She is already Married & Pregnant now & Iam Not in A Relationship ..I am not even liking anybodyy !! &  It is not happeningg Anytime soonnn for me :S!!
And My other friend, The first married one in our school group is now pregnant in her Second babyy….Thatss really crazyyyy!

MY Goddd:'(!!

Even “F.R.I.E.N.D.S” Make me feel lonelyy & Wanna Have a Babyy when i see Rachell  having her baby Emmaaa ..They make me Cryyy :(!

I am such A loserrr!! I Dont know how to let ppl in my lifee or ofen up for them.
I guess thats why i never had Real Relationships in my lifee .
& The only one i did have , Was for the best guy that I could never Have!…How Luckyyy is That ?!!!!!

{July 8, 2013}   Experience of My Life :)

I dont think W ‘ll ever find that again ,Neither Me Nor him !
The Long Interesting talks, the Hot Creative fantasies , the Vampire interests/Talks, kissing in the Traflgar Square At Mid night, london experience  & My First Kiss At Metra , the other experience At home,the touching,Seeing” IT” & Feeling IT, the flirting,THAT Special KISS Downthere!!
Everything I experienced with him I dont Ever think i am Gonna Experience Again, EVER!

I Sometimes Really Wonder how can this experience be Categorized, But I always Fail to answer.
Is it Love ?! Is it A Crush ?! Is it A Lust ?!
Is it just 2 ppl feeling close to each other ?! But since they both know they cant end up together , So they are trying to grab every chance of it.
Did he ever Feel anything for me ?!
DID I Feel it either ?!!
It has been 2 years & 2 Months Now of ON & Off Feelings & Actionss…I dont know if I ever want it to stop or Continue.. Reallyy I dont know!
Sometimes I cant stop thinking about him, (like Now), Although I know he is talking to another new Girl Now all the time, In which he didnt tell me about but I just happened to know .(Not sure if thats my Bad luck or Good Luck which made me know about it).
All i know is that I Dont Regret it & I dont hate HIM.
Even After doing some bad stuff to me , Lying & Hurting Me when i know the truth , I still cant forget All the beautiful things he said to me & All the best feelings Ever he Made me Feel…I guess He Gave Me the EXperience of My Life.

{June 16, 2013}   Vegas…With Ur Parentss!!!

As An Advicee From Me, DONT Never Ever GO TO VEGAS WITH UR PARENTS!
Specially if Ur old Enough to do whatever U want Or For Example Ur a Girl! It Reallyyyy  Does Feel Bad !
You wanna at least watch everything, Have a Drink , See Everything..& Take picss Everywhere!
Thats where they dont want to stop…..or they already got tired &Want to go back home..Orc For example ur Mum want to sleep early to wake up early the second day to Go to church for Examplee!!…YES ..IN VEGASS!!
Thats My Family!
I am dreaming everyday with the day I gonna have my own partner & My own homeee!..I am really dying for ittt!

pleasssee God!I Had enoughhh… I am dying for itt!

{June 15, 2013}   I Dont Regret it.

It felt nice AfterAlll…
Being lifted on the arms…liike not before!
Being Kissedd EVERYWHERE !
Cuddled , Hugged , licked & Squeezed!
At first it all felt weireddd…but after sometime ..I felt I wanted to experience every bit of it !
The touching , the licking , Kissing…I was a bit unflexible…but that was because I was stressed ..A Lott!

{May 26, 2013}   CHALLENGE…With Success!

Do I really wanna write about that ??! Do I wanna document it ?


I dont know !Part of me Say I want to , & Another is saying Dont!

Another part of my Dreams/Fantasies is coming trueee…Finally!

Apparently it is A bit late , & Not Exactly the same way I dreamed of , But At leasttt it is better

than nothing.

I have been Dreaming of breaking the rules ! Breaking the cage & Going Wild…For So Longg!

& Only Yesterday I did it !!

I neverrrrr thought I would be able to do it…NEVER!

Never Had the guts, the time , the place or the right person to even think of doing it.

Untill yesterday! I Challenged mySelf & my Fear…& I DID IT!

Dont know if after a while will I feel the same excitment or not.

Today I was feeling mixed feelings, a small guilt feeling,Butterflies feeling ,feeling of weirdness,  feeling sexy , feeling confident!…..Too Much huhh!

But all these types of feelings make me feel Stronger…Stronger than I think!

But is that a Real Feeling?!! Or it will change to a feeling of total weakness after a while?!

I dont know why did God put me in that experience for 2 years now, with all these challenges ?!

All I asked for in my life was someone to love me & That I can love him back!

I didn’t ask for all of that! I didnt ask for having all this challenges when I am the weakest

person in the world…It was expected that I am gonna Surrender one day.

AND The Challenge is still On ..>Who knows how it Gonna End!

P.S: Dear God, If you still need me & Consider me yours, Save Me from this & Send me What I want…But Don’t Punish Me More, Coz I might Rebel More…Thanks!!

{March 26, 2013}   Again…Only Him!

He taught me to set my mind free..Say it out loud & Dont fear it ..Just Reveal it!! Imagine it..Live in it & Dont be afraid to Share it :)
Even if I am not doing it..Just Dreamm of itt! His imagination is Alwayss As Creative & full as Everytime!….
He surprises me everytime by the mood he makes me “LIVE IN” by just texting about it (Not even Talking about it!).
Never Wished for someone to be Mine I wish for Himm!
May be because I never met someone who was courageous enough to reveal himself & What he feels towards me THAT WAY!.. & As am Always hating this part in men around me(being afraid to reveal his emotions & Thoughts ), He was able to Grab my attention By All Meanssss !
I wonder how could I not be attached to that Amazing,Sexy,
Creative,Flirty,Handsome,Succesful Smart Kind of Person!!

{March 4, 2013}   Is Love Here yet ?!!!!

May be he was right ! May be He did mean all what he said to me before !tumblr_lkv05aV5B11qjlmz8o1_500_large

But isnt it a bit too late to realize this ?!! Did I ruin it ? OR did he ?!

-SO He meant every time he said I miss u , I miss ur Smile, & Every time he said I want u, I wanna do this & I wanna do that with u , He was real ?!

-Does he really felt everything with me ?

-Was I always Unique & Special like he said ?

-Does he really meant that I left Immortal marks on him that & That the comparison will be hard after me ?

-He Said: “I can’t date till I found someone that could compete and I Doubt that there is someone who can”…You r so good to be true!

-Ur the Best Kisser/Biter Ever :D!

-“Real is What I feel”  He said when I told him we were never Real..we were a Fantasy.

-“Your case was different than hers, yours involved feelings”

-“& Always Closer despite the Circumstances”..

There were also witnesses that said they saw that on his face, on the way he looked at me.

He was really happy on my Birthday & It showed on him…

He said: You let my Fangs itches with your lovely colors & Smile :) (Vampire Mood)

I know ur Brave and Clever, And Hot as fire… Wild as the Pacific Ocean..

Hot as an Apple Pie over cooked………And sweet as honey….Sour as Sweet viniger…And Lovely As angles  ;)!!

He Always Amazes me with what he says, do or even Imagine!…
He is So Sweet that I dont think of any other boy I ever  wanted when I think of him.


& That is ladies & Gentlmen,  my best /closest experience to True loveeee…I Wish It would have lasted Longer & Never Ended :))!

{February 26, 2013}   My Birthday..2013

It was an amazing day, I enjoyed it sooOoo much. The combination of people  was Strange a little bit, But it went so Fineee & Smooth.
He was Acting Super Niceee! …On the Contrary of everytime!
What is Strange is that, I was acting super nice toooo …infront of  his Girlfriend.
Another thing that was Strange, Was My Brother’s Comments on Him !!!
Despite all the people who were there, My Bro. Commented on the way he Looked at me & Acted to Me!
He kept asking my Best Friend, Who is that ?!! Do u know him ?! Dont u think his acting Strange ?! Why does he look to my sister that way ?!!?..Etc.
At first I felt He only did that because of How me, N & E acted,:We kept talking secretly almost all the time.
For the Fitst time now, & After my best friend came to tell me about all the doubts My bro Had & All the questions  he came to ask her , I felt a little bit afraid!
Is it that obvious ?!! Is it that Obvious at work too ?!!!
How Come my bro notices all this only from the first time?

et cetera

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